My Demon

I have debated for years whether or not I wanted to delve into an issue very important to me on my Author page. Mental illness is pivotal in my writing and in my personal life. So as I struggle to find my footing and regain my focus, I have been writing little snippets about what I am dealing with. Tonight as I wrote the only thing my mind could assemble, I decided to go ahead and share it. I am lost inside myself right now but I am strong.

My demon, the darkness started again. At first as a warning, a cold hand clamped around my ankle, its weight attempting to anchor me in place. Slowly crawling up my legs, I needed to keep moving. The feeling overwhelming yet familiar. It happened before; too many times to count. For days it clings to me, everyone oblivious to it and its slow ascension up my body. It is both heavy and light as it wraps itself around my waste draining my motivation, killing my drive. The ache in my body overwhelming, my back, shoulders and head throb. Exhaustion setting in, my will fades. Bouts of anger and emptiness rotate within me and I try to fill the void with food as icy hands reach my shoulders and the demon pulls itself up.

Choking me, it becomes hard to breathe. Now able to reach my ears it whispers relentless insults I know deep down are true. Paranoid fears force fed into my thoughts. I am worthless; they know it; I know it. I am invisible and those who see me hate me. I am a burden, pathetic.

The creature moves faster once it reaches my ears, my mind no longer able to ward it off, tears and desperation fill me. I don’t want to be here, don’t want the pain or the fear or the repetitive self-loathing voice. I just want quiet, nothingness, peace.

I feel it crawl over me, covering my entirety as I lay helpless in my bed unable to do anything but cry and sleep. My mind able to focus on nothing more than what the creature wants. Fear, anger and self-hatred. I am lost to the world as the thing smothers out any trace of light or hope.

I tell myself to hold on. Even if I don’t believe it at the moment, things will get better. It may be days or weeks or months, but I will outlast the darkness. For now, it will not win.

-S.M Starley